The Secret to a Successful Relationship

I first met my ex-boyfriend, who is currently my husband, 10 years ago. We were from the same university (NTU). How we met is another long and interesting story, and I believe it was really by fate that we both know each other. We then engaged in 2002, just after we graduated, and married in 2004.

To me, marriage life is so interesting. And I really believe that to make relationship works, love itself is not enough. There are many things that are also as important, and one of it is to have effective communication.

We need to learn how to express our exact feelings to the other person. That includes making our needs known to our better half. I know it’s definitely not easy. I myself find it very weird initially, because I guess as Asians, we are not used to articulate our needs to our partners. Sometimes we are afraid that asking for what we want might cause conflict or even worse, maybe we’re afraid that our partner will think that we are being stupid or unrealistic. But still, in my experience of being married for 5 years, communicating our needs is something that is essential. Many times we feel so good when our needs are met, and on the contrary, we also know how bad it feels when they’re not met. Well, guess what? Our partner can’t read our mind; he or she can’t guess what our needs are. That’s why we need to communicate this to them.

When it comes to relationship, we all have different needs. In general, there are five categories, i.e. emotional needs, physical needs, social needs, security needs and spiritual needs.

Here are some examples from each category:  

EMOTIONAL NEEDS  

1. The need to feel, and be told, that we are loved

2. The need to feel respected as an individual

3. The need to feel appreciated for who and what you are and do

4. The need to feel special, above everyone else in our partner’s life

5. The need to feel passion between each other    

PHYSICAL NEEDS  

1. The need to be hugged or held

2. The need to be kissed, even if casually =)

3. The need for tenderness

4. The need to be touched and caressed

5. The need for a satisfying and rewarding sexual life =) hahaha…  

SOCIAL NEEDS  

1. The need for appropriate tenderness and support when in public

2. The need to hear sweet things in social environment

3. The need to be remembered with calls when apart

4. The need to share joy and laughter

5. The need to feel that we are the most important person in our partner’s life and awareness when in a crowded, busy social environment  

SECURITY NEEDS  

1. The need to know that our partner is loyal and committed

2. The need to know that our partner is there for us in times of 3rd party conflicts and problems

3. The need to know that our partner will always be with us through good times and bad times

4. The need to know that our relationship will not be put at risk because of any disagreements and confrontations    

SPIRITUAL NEEDS  

1. The need to feel that our partner respects our spiritual needs

2. The need to feel that our personal spiritual values are supported without judgment

3. The need to share a spiritual life, even if that spiritual life is experienced differently by us and our partner  

Again, those are just some examples. Hopefully by reading it, it can stimulate your thinking.

To end my post today, I would really encourage you all to grab a piece of paper, or since you already in front of the computer, go and open a Microsoft Word file and start to make your list of needs. And try to find a good time with your partner to just discuss and talk about it.

Trust me, it will work wonders. Well… at least it works for me. =)

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